Truth be told, there is nothing “right” about breaking up with someone. It can be the worst experience ever and it is in fact invariably painful. At its worst, it is devastating and harmful and leaves a lot of emotional collateral damage in its wake; at its best, it’s done with tenderness and care, and both parties put aside a desire to just be done with it in favor of taking the time to separate with patience and love. The latter is difficult to achieve, but ultimately a more expedient path to peace.
I know a lot about heartbreaks because I have had my fair share. Sometimes I ask “Why do so many people, who have often spent years loving one another, leave their relationships in such hurtful, harmful, and unconscionable ways? How can it be done differently? Well here are ways it can be done differently:
- Take full responsibility for your part in the ending.
- Take time to dissolve the ending by giving your partner notice and discussing reasonable ways to end things.
- Speak highly of your soon-to-be ex, because what you say about them actually reflects a great deal about you.
- Give your soon-to-be ex a lot of space to be upset and remove yourself immediately from any conversations that are hateful or abusive.
- Pay off all debts and split things up fairly.
- Refrain from clingy intimacy and keep appropriate new boundaries to avoid confusion and undue stalling. Respect your partner’s boundaries and their need for distance.
- Be kind to all of your mutual friends, as well as the friends of your partner. Avoid taking sides. There are no sides.
- Use this time to take great care of yourself by getting in shape, not just physically but mentally. This is a very stressful time, no matter how adrenalized you may feel in leaving.
- Keep your words in the affirmative about the situation and avoid all attempts to make you right and your partner wrong. Again, it is all just loss. There are no winners.
- Be faithful to your soon-to-be ex and do not involve anyone else romantically in your complicated emotional maelstrom until you are truly separated.
- Give your soon-to-be ex lots of physical space and let them attend to things without having to see your face.
- Take up a new class or hobby to help you fill the new free time that is often fraught with compulsive over-thinking.
- Take a short road trip alone or with friends to get some perspective after the big announcement.
- Refrain from any social media postings about your status.
- Keep all your soon-to-be ex’s secret vulnerabilities SECRET. Do not ever reveal intimate facts. That would be tasteless and petty.
- Let go of all memorabilia as soon as possible.
- Take time to feel all the emotions without involving your ex in a blow-by-blow battle. It is time for you to feel it all. Get a therapist or friend to be there for you.
There is always something to learn from every relationship, so when you end things the right way with your partner, take in the lessons and move on.
I recently answered a question on how to get over heartbreak in my “Ask me any question” post http://www.adohrspeaks.com/adohrspeaks-answering-your-questions/ this might help.